Jack Bauer could take Chuck Norris in a New York Minute.

A friend emailed me this, knowing I'm in love with the show 24...which will be airing January 14th people...Jack's back.

If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and
he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".

Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer
killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

Jack Bauer's calendar goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools
Jack Bauer.

If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next
half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

Jack Bauer's house has an alarm system -- not to warn Jack of
intruders, but to warn the intruders of Jack.

When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.

Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

When E.T. phoned home, Jack Bauer answered.

When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists.
Jack Bauer hates lemonade.

1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer's
milk. Oh you are so screwed.

Jack Bauer is the 'i' in team.

Nobody says 'hit me' when Jack Bauer deals Blackjack.

Let's get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right
now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent
emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack
Bauer still can't believe that wussy went to the hospital first.

Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him
finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was
shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.

Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".

When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it
took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, "You're in good hands
with Jack Bauer".

Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman
for having a weakness.

When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer
says something then you better frickin do it.

On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every
one of the answers. He got an A on the test because Jack Bauer solves
all his problems with Violence.

Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second
favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer
never needs to escape.

During the commercials, Jack Bauer calls the CSI detectives and solves
their crimes.

In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times.

Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

If you're holding a gun to Jack Bauer's head, don't count to three
before you shoot. Count to 10. That way, you get to live 7 seconds
longer.

You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.

Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.

Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been
looking for him.

If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.

Jack Bauer doesn't play the game SORRY. Jack Bauer apologizes to no one.

There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's
basically the right way but faster and more deaths.

Jack Bauer knows Victoria's secret.

People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer makes onions cry.